anger.jealousy.sadness.

I have done pretty well in coping with my sister's death. I know God is sovereign, and He has a plan for everything and everyone! Sometimes, however, my flesh gets the best of me and I cannot help to feel saddened, angry or jealous. Here is a reason why I have felt this way most recently...

I am a "blog stalker" of a certain family. I do not know these people, but they are Christians and they are in a battle to adopt a child from Guatemala. I check their blog daily for updates on the adoption. They are my brother and sister in Christ, so I feel less of a "stalker" with this in mind. :)

Anyway, on May 21, (3 days after what would have been Tracie's 20 birthday), 7 people were in a car accident on the way to Disney World. 3 people dead at the scene, 3 people in critical condition, and one without a scratch, (the only one wearing a seatbelt). One of the 3 people in critical condition was friends with the blogger. One of the reasons I am angry, (not at God but in general), is that if they were buckled up... NO ONE WOULD HAVE DIED! When Tracie died, she did NOTHING wrong except over corrected. She was wearing her seatbelt, she wasn't on her cell phone, she wasn't speeding, it wasn't raining, she wasn't sleepy, (it was around 11 am), she wasn't under the influence (she didn't drink), etc, etc, etc. This was a comfort to me from the start because I knew that God wanted her... no question about that. Still, when I hear of people being careless, it drives me mad! Ya know?

Back to the present, this is why I am a little jealous, sad, yet thankful. Yesterday she was pronounced dead. While her parents were about to sign the organ donation paper work, (Tracie was a donor, My Lobster and I are donors too), blood started flowing back to her brain. The doctor came in and said, "It's a miracle, she is alive." She obviously still could lose her fight, but still pretty amazing!

Well, why did Tracie have to go? She didn't deserve the fate... if she had been unseat belted, or intoxicated or something than I guess I could understand, but why her?

I am jealous over the fact that she may live after all, (not that she deserves to die, absolutely not, but still). This whole situation makes me a little angry too. However I am thankful. I was thankful from day one that God took Tracie fast. He could have chosen to put her in a coma, and then taken her a few days later. I am so thankful He did not. I am thankful that we did not have to endure false hope, ya know? Or He could have left us with the decision to "pull the plug." Oh how I pray to never have to do that ever! God, if you want one of my loved ones, please take them,.. don't make me decide! Like, if this girl dies after the miracle from yesterday... how will her family take it? I think it would be pretty hard... or what if ultimately they have to "pull the plug" after the miracle and sleepless nights of hope? So all in all I am thankful!

The first year after Tracie died was said to be the hardest. It was, but certain events were harder than others. My wedding, (6 months almost to the day after she died), went very well. When I remembered her I smiled, surprisingly. I took her 19th birthday harder than the one year anniversary of her accident. This year when her birthday rolled around I did not grieve as I did last year. Like I said, after the first year it gets "easier." I cannot believe that in almost 4 months it will be 2 years since she died! WOW, time is crazy! It gets "easier" now, but it is so weird to me that 10 years from now, I will be 31 and Tracie would be 30... we would both be mommies and our kids would probably be best friends, (like Tracie and Lauren were). It is so wierd to me that my kids will only know their Aunt Tracie as an 18 year old girl from pictures.
Tonight I find myself in the same emotion as I did around her 19th birthday, May 18, 2007. Like, I am weepy and emotional... I am still in shock to tell the truth. This is not something you easily comprehend. I keep thinking, (and dreaming), that one day she will come and say, "I didn't die, here I am... y'all are so silly to say that I died..." I know it won't happen and I look forward to the day when I can just remember my sister and not hold out for her... ya know? I know I will see her in Heaven, and I rejoice that she is with Jesus... I don't know what I would do if she didn't know Christ and she was in Hell. Praise the Lord I don't have to even think about that!

Another blog I was "stalking" the other day "Hanging with the Bradford's"... Roxanne Bradford had this to say... I would paraphrase, but she said it so nicely:

"We were created by God in His image, right? So...with that said, we were created with TENDER hearts! God gave us hearts that can be happy, sad, and broken, and He rejoices in that. We can honor God not only in our joy and happiness, but in our sadness too. He is glorified when we are true to the hearts that He gave us. I mean, come on, even Jesus cried! In suppressing every negative feeling we have, we are denying the tenderhearted and CHRIST-LIKE spirit that God has given us."

This was so awesome to me, and tonight it is just what I needed to hear! I think when emotions of my sister arise I subconsciously push them aside, (not fully, but I do not experience them fully either). I think subconsciously I think that if I am sad that God will think I am mad at Him for taking Tracie. Stupid, I know... God is SOVEREIGN! He knows all the feelings of my heart, so why should I hide them from Him? HE GAVE THEM TO ME!

I guess I will end it here... my sweet hubby and puppy are snoring in unison, and while I am not tired because of my emotions... I think I will say goodbye and honor God with my tears, then go to bed. ♥

 The four of us (height differences weren't this drastic... we were standing on uneven, angled ground...lol). This was the last siblings picture ever taken. The shirt I am wearing is the shirt I was wearing the day of Tracie's accident. Weird, huh? (August 2006)