Struggle

I WANT TO BE A MOMMY NOW!!!!!!

I know it is God's timing and when we get our babies it will be in His will, but I am sick of waiting. Well, I guess I am just struggling right now. It comes and goes.

Last week I thought for sure I was pregnant.

Before I go on let me clarify something for newer readers: I CAN have kids, but we are choosing not to. God has led us to adopt. HOWEVER, if God decides to impregnate me, then we will be more than thrilled- we are just leaving that up to Him and we are not trying to get pregnant. Also, the adoption is on hold, but if someone came tomorrow and wanted to give up their child, I would say YES! Once again, we are just waiting on the Lord, and leaving it all up to Him.

As I was saying, last week I thought for sure I was pregnant. While we are not trying, we are also not preventing, so a pregnancy would be very possible. Not to go into too many details, but I was late, very nauseous, and, (for the first time), had tender breasts. Oh, too much info? Sorry, but I had to show you how strong my symptoms were. Anyway, I am not pregnant as I am sure you assumed.

Of course I was a little disappointed. Paul of course was too. I didn't want him in the room when I took the tests- yes multiple- cause I did not want the pressure of seeing his mounting excitement. Too much for me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am 100million% okay with not having birth children. BUT when I experience all the symptoms, you bet I am going to get excited and start daydreaming.

However, this is not my struggle right now. It is not the lack of pregnancy that is bumming me out. It is the lack of my child. I just am struggling with the waiting- regardless of the means by which I get my babies.

Please pray for me. I want to be joyful to glorify the Lord during this time He has called me to wait. I know He wants joy from me. I want to give it to Him!

Everyone always tells me to wait to have kids and just enjoy being married. Well, I very much enjoy being married- that is why I want you to pray for joy. Since this is our last "hoorah" without kids, I want us to spend our time wisely, and not me being sulky, dreaming about the future, ya know? Like when we were engaged, I didn't live at that time- all I wanted was time to fly so the wedding would come qucikly.

I DO NOT want time to fly now. While I do want it to so I can be a mommy, I also don't want it to cause time is so short anyway! I want to enjoy life with just Paul and me, and not spend it dreaming about the future- ya know?

Thanks for your prayers and support!

Once again, the soundtrack of my heart: