This is HARD

Honestly, if they were dying, I think it would be easier. I would know they were safe in Heaven where no one could hurt them. When they leave here, I will not know how they are, what is happening to them, etc. That is HARD.

I am in need of major prayer.

The day I got the news I was with the boys so I couldn't let out my emotions. By 5 that evening I began acting in a way that is NOT me. You see, I have a ton of patience with kids, (by the Grace of God- Fruit of the Spirit). BUT that night, they would enter the room to tell me that THEY LOVED ME, and I would have to do all I could to not bite their heads off. Same goes for Mr. Incredible. It is not like me at all to be so short tempered, so I called my BFF and we ran did some retail therapy. I thought the trip out would cool me down and help me get over being so mean. Well, I am on day 3 of being mean mommy. Apparently, this time around in the grief process I have gotten stressed instead of sad. Oh, I am sad too, but most of the time this sadness is showing itself in meanness. Just last night Mr. Incredible was playing with Buzz- our home was filled with beautiful laughter and all I wanted to do was yell, "can you just shut up all ready!!" This nastyness is new to me, and I want it to be GONE. None of my boys deserve this. Bolt is even getting some of it. {Now don't get my wrong, I have not been mean to any of them- I would get a sitter if I couldn't control this- it is just that I am on a short fuse and I am not as gentle as I usually am. Also, being on a short fuse is not fun. I just want to be the gentle, loving, fun mommy I usually am} AND, since our time is limited, I want to ENJOY these last few weeks- not be like this the whole time.

See why I need prayer?

The grief is real. Besides being on a short fuse, I am sad too. I know God is in control, but it is still hard. Like I said, I think I could come to grips with their death a whole lot easier.

I have gotten so much encouragement and I am so grateful. One thing I would like to not hear anymore is this: "Well, at least it will only be for a month and you will not have time to get too attached."

Ok, that is like telling that to a woman who was just told her child in the womb would die shortly after birth. Or a mother whose baby died of SIDS. Or a mother who had to bury her toddler. UM, the attachment has already occurred people.

We fell in love with them in March. They became our sons in March. Nothing changes that. I had them for a week at that time, and when they left, I mourned them. I was so not myself- sad all the time. God got me through that and allowed me to have joy in the waiting process. I need that peace and joy now too. I need your prayers.

I try to look forward to the kids I know God has waiting for us to adopt once the boys leave. That is so hard. I know once they leave I will be able to move on a bit, and enjoy our new family, (you all know I will be overjoyed with our new babies). But right now, all I can think of is that I WANT TO ADOPT WOODY AND BUZZ!!

Woody and Buzz will always be a part of our family. We are gonna keep a pic of them in a common area, and we will teach our kids to pray for them on a regular basis. It is the least we can do.

Please pray for me. Please.